Turning of the Tides?

So I haven't blogged in a while. I figured that I better come up with something quick, as I believe that I must practice what I preach. (I've been bugging one Angelo Gonzalez to make a new entry for upwards of two months now).

There are discouraging times in youth ministry. There are times as a minister where you feel completely unappreciated and grossly underpaid. There are times when you know you're investing yourself into your kids, and it just plain hurts because you feel like they have no desire to invest back into you. It's not only frustrating, it's painful. It's utter rejection. It feels like you're loving people who want no love. It's sad because it goes unrealized. It's a feeling of rejection. Youth Pastors, can I get an "amen"?

When you've felt hurt, pain, sorrow...it makes it so worth while when you see God start to bless your ministry. This past Sunday night I had 11 students in attendance. Yes, 11! I don't know that I've ever had 11 people total, adults included. 11 students --wow! I'll one up the 11 students...6 of them were guys!!!!!! 6 guys, 5 girls!!!!! For as long as I've been at Fair Haven (closing in on 8 months) we've NEVER had more guys than girls. It was nice to get out of the estrogen ocean for one night at least.

It was about halfway through the night that we saw some people walking around outside. One of our students noticed them first, and another opened the door to see who it was. It was three jr. high boys. We invited them in for pizza and games. They came in, and had a blast! It was awesome!!

Also, bravo to whomever covered my car with sticky notes. Spot on, genius.

God, you are the healer of pain. You are the restorer of faith. You are the the all-powerful creator who has complete sovereignty. Restore things that you've willed to be restored, and restore faith you've willed to be restored. Constantly remind me of your sovereignty. Constantly remind me of your grace. Thank you so much for the people you've blessed me with. Continue to use them to minister to me as you use me to minister to them. Thank you for my students. Use them to minister to me as I am used by you to minister to them. All things by your grace that I am so constantly in need of. Amen.

I figured it out...maybe?

I think I've come to some conclusions about things.

It didn't end normally.

huh?

It didn't end normally.

It wasn't one of your generic "i don't like you anymore" or "i don't see this relationship going anywhere" or "you've done something to piss me off" type ending. We were both forced to walk away from something we didn't want to walk away from. We both did/still do have deep feelings for each other...that we can't express. Actually, come to think of it..it's a pretty sick situation. Since when is it healthy to bottle up feelings? Maybe that's another reason I feel sick.

Anyway, it wasn't a normal ending. There is a reason that I have pictures on my camera I can't delete...or look at. There's a reason that I don't want to throw away little notes and whatnot that keep showing up in my room. It's not because we hate each other. It's because we care about each other. It's because I still care for her, and it hurts that we can't be in each others' lives right now.

I see other friendships of hers continuing...which is great. I just somewhat feel left behind. When she needs help with something she's obviously not calling me, and I can't help but look at it and say "I wish that was me."

I'm starting to get sick of writing about it, but it may be my only means of true expression.

And the final thing that sucks is this: there is no closure, and right now there can't be. No mortal has any way of knowing for sure how temporary or permanent this is.

An extra-ordinary situation, indeed.


God, please continue to give me patience...right now. Comfort me in my sorrow. Comfort her in her sorrow. Glorify yourself through our sorrow. Reveal yourself to us, and continue to work on us separately.

Patience...sucks

Everyday...well at least the past several days... God is teaching me what it means to be patient.

I've gone through a lot of hurt, and a lot of pain. I've been lonely, I've cried, I've cursed, I've smoked. I was talking to a good friend last night who again, like all my other friends, reminded me that God is in control. I fought back the urge to lay down a "f**k off" (i've heard it a lot...and I'm growing weary of hearing it) because this time it came from someone who has been in almost the exact same situation I'm currently in.

What's funny is this came from a person I don't get to talk to as much as I'd like. She randomly IMd me just to say hello. Of course I ended up telling her about my whole situation and pouring my heart out on her and exposing all of my hurt. I sensed that she feels a little sorry for me...but I also sensed her saying "big deal."

See, my situation can't hold a candle to her former situation. This is a girl who had fight for her man. She had to fight an uphill battle (which included a 6-month period of them being completely separated) in order to be with him. In that time God grew the both of them to the point that when they were finally together it was AWESOME. Now, for fear that I am placing too much hope in my current situation, I digress.

God is sovereign. I've never struggled so much in believing that until now. I am constantly reminded of his sovereignty everywhere I turn...mainly because I live with Colby, talk to Chris Brannen a lot, work at a church, and am currently reading a great combination of Mark Driscoll, John Piper, and Paul's book of Colossians.

I have to be patient. I'm also seeing that everywhere I turn. God is growing my patience day by day until the time comes when he completes me. I don't know when he will complete me or how he will complete me, but he will. Until then, I pray for patience, contentment, and my other half.

O...and that girl who had to fight for her man...just so i don't leave any of you in suspense...they've been together for 3 years.

God, please show me that you're here for me. Alleviate my pain, make me patient, and take glory in my suffering and brokenness. Show me your plan for my future. Please let it involve her. Amen.

From Good to Bad in Record Time!

If you would've talked to me yesterday...well you would've known that I was doing my radio show that had just begun it's second hour. Also, at this very moment 24 hours ago I was interviewing Steve Mark, the "voice" behind the MLS Cup Champion Houston Dynamo.

Everything was going well. I would finish the show, which, incidentally was the best show we've done so far. (be sure to check it out here). I left the radio station with two of my best friends, and went to a coffee shop in Sugar Land to play some poker with some of my small group. I lost all my fake money, but I did have fun. The night was going good, and then in walked someone I never thought I'd see --Hakeem Olajuwon. Hakeem Olajuwon walked in to the coffee shop I was at. It took a while, but I finally got up the courage to go get a picture and an autograph. He was a nice guy.

Something happened to me today that really made me realize how meaningless meeting Olajuwon was. Today I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've never felt more alone or more sad. It has just really broken me...hard. It's made me realize that life can be cruel. I don't think I've cried over anything more. ever.

I don't have anything profound or anything for any readers to think about. I just need prayer. Lots of it.

God, you have broken me. Please put me back together. Thank you.