I figured it out...maybe?

I think I've come to some conclusions about things.

It didn't end normally.

huh?

It didn't end normally.

It wasn't one of your generic "i don't like you anymore" or "i don't see this relationship going anywhere" or "you've done something to piss me off" type ending. We were both forced to walk away from something we didn't want to walk away from. We both did/still do have deep feelings for each other...that we can't express. Actually, come to think of it..it's a pretty sick situation. Since when is it healthy to bottle up feelings? Maybe that's another reason I feel sick.

Anyway, it wasn't a normal ending. There is a reason that I have pictures on my camera I can't delete...or look at. There's a reason that I don't want to throw away little notes and whatnot that keep showing up in my room. It's not because we hate each other. It's because we care about each other. It's because I still care for her, and it hurts that we can't be in each others' lives right now.

I see other friendships of hers continuing...which is great. I just somewhat feel left behind. When she needs help with something she's obviously not calling me, and I can't help but look at it and say "I wish that was me."

I'm starting to get sick of writing about it, but it may be my only means of true expression.

And the final thing that sucks is this: there is no closure, and right now there can't be. No mortal has any way of knowing for sure how temporary or permanent this is.

An extra-ordinary situation, indeed.


God, please continue to give me patience...right now. Comfort me in my sorrow. Comfort her in her sorrow. Glorify yourself through our sorrow. Reveal yourself to us, and continue to work on us separately.

Back in Texas!

I'm back! I can't decide whether or not I'm happy about that. It's been great to get away, but I think I am rather pleased to be back at my apartment, close to friends and whatnot.

I have some time before I need to do anything, so on the prompting of one Brandon Cooper, I thought I'd go ahead and make a post.

It's been a while...far too long.

For some of you who may not have known, I was in Atlanta, GA from last Wednesday until this past Sunday. I had a great time that included the Astros beating the Braves, a visit to the Georgia Aquarium, valued time with family, birthday shopping, a birthday cake, meeting my little cousins, and much, much more. It, indeed, was great.

I found myself in a weird situation on Saturday night. I didn't want to leave. I began thinking "what in the hell am I going back for?" I honestly just wanted to stay in Atlanta and not have to return to my classes or anything else. All I could think is that I was leaving a place where I had a lot of fun only to return to school. goody.

I'm past all of that now, and after a night out with Branden, Tramayne, and Marsonist I'm feeling pretty good. It was a firkin' good time!

I should be moving into my new place hopefully sometime very soon. I'll be living in a townhouse off of Beechnut with Armando and Zepp. It's definitely going to be awesome.

While in Atlanta I booked my next big trip --Northern California! Ever since my previous trip to Cali back in 2005, I've wanted to return. Now I get to! Back in '05, 3 friends (Westergaard, JZ, and tuby!!) and I went to San Diego for a week. It was great. Now I'm getting to visit Northern California. Robert and I will be roadtripping back to Texas! That should be fun/interesting.

God is teaching me, and It hurts. It still hurts. I know everyone is sick of hearing my pathetic emo garbage, but I still write it on the hunch that it's valuable to at least one person.

Temptation presented herself to me last night. It would've been so easy. It would still be so easy, but I must refrain. It's hard. God is teaching me what it means to be patient. God is teaching me to fully rely on him. He's teaching me glorify him, and seek him through darkness, through hurt, pain, and confusion.

I've started reading Tony Dungy's autobiography, Quiet Strength. When I initially picked up the book I really just wanted something to occupy my time on the return flight from Atlanta. I guess in the back of my mind I knew that Tony Dungy is a man of faith, but I didn't know that his book would have it shown so clearly. He really shouts it from the mountaintops. It's really encouraging to run along people in the pro-sports coaching/playing ranks that are so outspokenly Christians. I know that there aren't very many that I could name, but I was thinking about it and I've come up with this list:

Tony Dungy: Head Coach, Indianapolis Colts
Patrick Ianni: Houston Dynamo
Lance Berkman: Houston Astros
Orlando Palmiero: Houston Astros
Eddie Robinson: Houston Dynamo
Tracy McGrady: Houston Rockets
David Carr: Carolina Panthers

I know there are a lot more. There is obviously a huge slant in favor of Houston, TX. Sorry, it's where I live. I know there are great guys in other cities as well, so feel free to add to my very incomplete list.

Anyways, I'm just through the second chapter of Dungy's book, and so far it's been amazing. The first chapter takes you through the dark past that was his firing from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Of course everyone knows the ending --his superbowl victory this past year as the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. I'll fill everybody in on what happens in the middle.

Anyways, back to what I was saying --PATIENCE. I hate to sound like a broken record...like I do on the radio for two hours every week [www.primetimesportsreport.com by the way], but I feel like I need to keep saying it...I need to keep reminding myself that I need to be patient. It's hard, so pray for me.

I get so weary of being patient. I get so weary of hurting. I get weary to the point that I just want out of the whole situation...How do I not think about it? Some of my friends love to be bastard-ish and ask why I'm still thinking about it, about her. They tell me to move on. One has even tried to talk to a girl for me (that was pretty funny actually). Why can't I move on? Is this normal?

I keep finding things in my room...little notes and whatnot that keep reminding me of the past. I think any time you do something you're reminded of the last time you did it. Like go to the Astros game.. or anything. Since we did a lot together, I'm reminded a lot. But there is good news on that front. The memories are pleasant. It gets sad sometimes, but the memories are good ones. I miss making them.

If I Could Just Sit With You
If I could just sit with you a while, if you could just hold me.
Nothing can touch me though I'm wounded or though I've died.
If I could just sit with you a while, I need you to hold me
Moment by moment til forever passes by.
If you could just sit with me a while, I need you to hold me

God, hold me. Place me in the center of your will. Give me strength to get from one day to the next. Give me patience, peace, and comfort. Thank you for all you have given me and will continue to give me. Thank you for blessing my life, and for your grace that is sufficient for the sins of mankind. Continue to show me your will, and use me to my full potential, and more, during this season. I love you.