End/Beginning of an Era

I'm sitting in an empty room.

As I look around I see 4 walls, a lamp, my laptop, my phone, one of those pop-up laundry hampers, a pair of shoes, my bed, some trash bags, my alarm clock, my camera, my watch, an empty bookshelf, a belt, a shoe box, and my '06 BYX Island Party Shirt.

Now, one might say that this room is far from "empty." However, I just listed literally everything in my sight. The walls are blank --only the occasional hint of "sticky tack" from where my posters formerly hung. The artificial light is shining through my closed blinds because my shrine to the great Houston Dynamo is put away for the time being. My desk is dusty, and the litter/dirt/other on my carpet is clearly showcased since there's no longer dirty laundry occupying the space. The lamp seems brighter than normal because there is no posters or anything to absorb the light --just plain white walls...which reflect it. The music I'm trying to fall asleep to is echoing off all four completely empty walls --plus it's thought provoking, (Derek Webb) so it's not that easy to fall asleep to.

It is soon to be finished. My tenure in campus housing is coming to a close. One school year in two different dorm rooms, and close to 15 months two apartment units. Tomorrow night I'll be sleeping at Chris Fresch's house, and Monday I'll depart for California. My era of campus has come to a close. I've made such good memories in both the dorms and my two apartments --all of which will stick with me for years to come.

When I return, I will begin a new era of life --at least in the context of residency. I'm no longer going to be protected by the walls that surround my "prestigious" university. The only protection I'll have is Zep's little dog...who undoubtedly has a bark bigger than her bite.

Zep, 'Mando, and I have decided to seek off-campus housing for the upcoming school year. Well...'Mando didn't have a choice. He graduated. But Robert and myself want to live with him...and off-campus, so that's what we're doing. (as I write this the Derek Webb album I was trying to fall asleep to just ended). The Leglers have purchased a townhouse off of Beechnut, and we will be renting from them. I don't think I'm scared...well maybe a little. I'm not afraid of the gunshots that will be clearly heard if my window is opened. I'm scared because this is something huge for me. This is something new. I've been away from the 'rents for almost two years now, but I've always been on campus. Moving off campus is a big step. There's no doubt that I will be liberated. My prayer is for wisdom, discernment, and a burden for my responsibilities. I would characterize my feelings as the fear you get when something that was always certain is no longer certain.

In other news:
I've re-gained a friendship that is dear to me.


God, thank you for your beautiful, scandalous grace. Thank you for the empty room you've provided for me to lay myself to rest on this night. Grant me peace for my fear, patience and peace for my sorrow, and show your glory through my brokenness. It is YOU who restored a relationship, and it is YOU who will continue to work in both of our lives. Create in us the faith of a small child. Give me a bigger burden for your people. Soften my heart, and enable me to do your works.

When I Forget...He Reminds Me

I'm not sure how to go about writing this post, but here it goes.

I recently had the opportunity to visit with this one girl that I sorta like, and I told her one of my fears. Not many people know of this, so it was sort of a big deal to be able to say it freely. The fear is this: I'm scared of being insufficient. In the context of our conversation I was scared of not being a good enough boyfriend, but the fear isn't just that. I have a fear that I won't be good at whatever I'm trying to do.

I fear that I'm not a good youth pastor. I fear that I'm not a good preacher or teacher. I fear that people won't like me because I'm not good enough at things I attempt to be good at. I fear that I'll never be a good enough student. I fear that I'll never be a good radio personality. I have fears about everything I want to be good at.

During our conversation she told me "I think part of our faith is knowing that God has us where he wants us when he wants us there." I almost began to cry. Had I forgotten the sovereignty of God? When I think about the sovereignty of the Lord...well it's hard to think about. It's hard for me to try to wrap my mind around it.

Every time I forget the ultimate sovereignty of God, he reminds me. This time it was via my girlfriend. Last time it was via Vicky Beeching. I was at camp about 6 weeks back, and on the last day, from the stage, she said something that needed to be said to one of my students all week. God became real. It was amazing.

If you haven't seen this, you really need to. Joel Gutowsky is one of my close friends, and he always seems to write something that is on my heart. Also, he has a nice new layout.

Guto says "I feel like the places we're supposed to be real the most at are the places we can't be real at all."

How true is that?! Reading this blew my mind because it's what I've been wanting to say, but could never articulate...or was I just to afraid to? We can't be real in our churches because of a fear we'll be judged. That's because we're all pharisees. I, also, want to be real. I want to be exposed for who I am. I want to be comfortably exposed in my sin, relying only in the grace of God for sustenance .

However, I can't be comfortably exposed in my sin --I'm a youth pastor, someone who is supposed to be free of sin, right? No, I am a sinful man. But I have been given great grace purchased for a great price.


God, help me to be comfortably exposed in my sin. Help me to better accept people for who they are...not except people because of who they are. Make me rely solely on your grace for sustenance, and guide me as I serve as a pastor. amen.